a tale of two workouts

I'm new to Crossfit. Everything is different and exciting and fun/tortuous. Except when it's not. There are days when it's frustrating and I feel weak and like a failure. And those are some of the days from which I learn the most.

I was having a shitty day. Within thirty seconds of my waking up, my mom was yelling at me for reasons I still haven't grasped, and the day continued like that. I did not get enough sleep by a long shot (because I stayed up late finishing the Hunger Games series, so it was also entirely my fault, which didn't make me feel better). All I wanted to eat all day was eggs, and I was completely unmotivated at work. I was also feeling fat. And, to be fair, looking fat. My waistline was actually bigger than it had been when I started my challenge.

So it was not an auspicious introduction to the workout, but I was excited because I'd be doing toes to bar for the first time. Or rather, I thought I would be doing toes to bar for the first time. The ACTUAL WOD was cool:
5 rounds
10 clean and jerks at 65 lbs.
10 burpees
10 toes to bars

But when I walked into the box, Coach told me that I would be doing a modified version since I'd torn up my hands pretty badly the previous weekend, my clean and jerks were a work in progress (read: not strong), and he wanted me to work on going fast on a WOD instead of going heavy. I definitely have problems with gas (meaning stamina, not flatulence — since going paleo, my digestion is spectacular, thank you very much), so I understood what he wanted from me, but I was disappointed, especially when he showed me the substitution for toes to bar. Coach set a goal of under 13 minutes for the following:
5 rounds
10 clean jerks at 45 lbs.
10 burpees
10 med-ball toe touches - I don't even know what these should be called; I was lying on my back with the med-ball extended in front of my chest (perpendicular to the floor) and I just raised my feet to touch the ball

The modified WOD took me 11:30. Even though I was well under the time limit Coach had set for me, I didn't feel good about the workout, especially the med-ball part. I had wanted to work out with the big kids, and instead I felt like I was left out of the cool, tough workout. And I made my disappointment obvious; it was all over my very grumpy face. As I was leaving, Coach said, "So you're a real Crossfitter now. Because I can tell you wish you'd gone heavy." And obviously he was right. As I walked out, I reminded myself that I had beat the time he set for me by a minute and a half and that I had done 50 clean and jerks at 45 pounds, something I would never have been capable of only a few weeks earlier. It cheered me up a little, but it fired me up more — I was ready to go hard the next time.

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A few days later, I walked in to the gym three minutes late after a bad commute and saw my usual partners in the 7:30 class had already started, which meant I was doing the WOD solo. The whiteboard informed me that I was doing a 10-minute AMRAP of 30 double unders and 15 snatches/clean and jerks at 55 lbs. I went for a quick run, then Coach had me run through a couple snatches (which I had learned how to do only days earlier). Instead of trickling out as usual, everyone from 6:30 and 7:30 stayed to watch me, so I had about a 10-person audience for my performance — embarrassing. I had gotten my first "top performer" score a few days earlier, and the girl who I had beaten for that win had gotten four rounds + 10 snatches on this latest workout. Coach kept saying I had to get 4 + 11, but we all know my upper body is significantly weaker than my lower and I struggle enough with cleans and jerks, much less snatches.

I did the first round (all snatches) in record time, apparently, before slowing down significantly, since I had to break up the snatches and then the clean jerks into sets of five. I got to my extra clean and jerks after round 4 with a minute to go, and with 11 seconds left I had three remaining to beat the current top performer. I had this split-second thought (that nasty little voice that tells me to take it just a bit easier) that if I just got two in I would still TIE for top performer. But unlike in previous workouts, when I've capitulated and made it easier for myself, I didn't waver at all — the voice was completely unconvincing, and I got my three cleans and jerks in to get top performer for the second WOD in a row. I realized that the person that I was when I first started Crossfitting wasn't CLOSE to getting 4 rounds and 11 clean and jerks on that workout; I would have been lucky to get two rounds. Even a month earlier, it wouldn't even have occurred to me to try to take top performer. It took basically all my strength to get through 12 jerks in one minute at the exact same weight (55 lbs.) exactly one month prior when we did Fight Gone Bad, and I was out of commission on upper body work for almost two weeks after that. I was proud of myself for my achievement that night, but also for my progress overall.

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Obviously, the second performance was more pleasing to me than the disappointing first. And yet, I walked out of the gym both days pondering the lessons I had learned and what I should take away from the experience. Even a fail day, when I felt like a weakling and I wasn't satisfied with the outcome of my workout, served to point out my strengths and weaknesses, and I'm trying, as I go forward, to focus on the take-aways from time spent shoving a heavy metal bar around the room.